Chronicles Of A Maths Tutor (2007)

In the beginning, there was darkness.

The deadly Last-Minute Buddha Foot Hugging Syndrome plagued the land. Victims roamed aimlessly, maimed by the disease and dressed in dishevelled school uniforms that were never tucked-in.

Saddened by the dismal state of affairs, a sexy shy maths tutor whispered, “Let there be a blog“, and a great math blog was born.

To counter the terrifying disease, she called the math blog Jφss Sticks, and she saw that it was good.

The Calling

Buoyed by the euphoric results from her latest batch of students, she sought to create more after their likeness, to spread the Word of her teachings, so that more might be saved, and might have dominion over their O-Level Mathematics subjects.

2006 O-Level Math Grades
(B3s included for proof of realism)

And so she toiled and laboured and by the third month, a precious trove of her exam papers, wise teachings and math tips adorned the pages of this blessed blog, awaiting to be claimed by those who believed in their own Mathematical Salvation.

Perhaps the tutor was too short to be noticed, or perhaps they were just too distracted by other unspeakable stuffs installed on their computers, despite the tutor’s frantic waving and jumping up and down like a siao cha bor, few LMBFH Syndrome sufferers came forward to receive her offerings, save for a few stalkers, internet marketing gurus and Nigerian businessmen.

Advent

However, on a fateful day in the fourth month since its creation, a particularly notorious entry found its way to the hallowed pages of Tomorrow.sg, to be viewed by thousands around the world (even as far as Somalia!). Things would never be the same again.

Things would never be the same again.

Comments started to fill up the blog, calls began to come in through the blog, interviews were requested and given, even as MORE Nigerian businessmen sought her help to move millions of dollars out of their country.

Building The Temple

While this shy tutor basked in the ritz and glitz of her new-found fame, legend has it that she was interrupted in the middle of her shopping one day by a Darth Vader-ish voice in her head:

Let go, my Sexy Maths Tutor! That LV bag can wait another day!

For thou shalt build upon the plains a Sanctuary of Learning, where thou shalt raise a great army to face the Enemy at year’s end!

With that, a great effort was undertaken by the tutor and by the end of the fifth month, a little sanctuary rose from a secret location on the lush plains of Novena, taking in and caring for all fleeing the ravages of the LMBFH Syndrome, including the ‘incorrigibles’, the ‘hopeless’, those with the poorest of poor grades, and even the enigmatic Privatus Candidatii.

And she called this sanctuary Miss Loi’s Temple, and proclaimed herself its High Priestess, and she saw that it was good.

The Mythical Temple Gates

The Golden Age

These were glorious times – when beautiful columns of smoke from joss sticks sessions spiralled high into the Novenan skies, when everyone was happy, and when her students had nothing else better to do than to protest at the lack of Ferrero Rocher at The Temple.

Those were the days.

These were flattering times as well – when the tutor actually got featured on a local newspaper, and thereafter tutor/tuition blogs began sprouting out everywhere, and (curiously) several existing tuition websites all went through face-lifts during the same period.

罗姑娘 (why not 罗小姐???!)

The Skies Darkened

But then a series of unfortunate events, like getting a NDP ticket at 1am on National Day, began to herald the dark times that laid ahead.

Sergeant Ang, I will ALWAYS remember you.

The skies darkened as first the Dark Lord Preliminario and then the Ultimate Enemy reached the Temple Gates.

Living up to their title, great numbers of LMBFH Syndrome sufferers finally decided to abandon their Maple Story quests and other slacking activities and journeyed to The Temple, throwing themselves by the hundreds at the Temple Gates, leading to a near-desecration of the Temple Grounds at one stage.

Those famous tears.

The endless tide of Mathematical refugees meant that the humble little sanctuary of hope was bursting at the seams, and that the tutor was unable to minister the required joss sticks and maximum tender loving care to any more wishing to pass through. And so it was on that fateful day that The High Priestess, while shedding those famous tears, pulled the lever that swung shut the Temple Gates, leaving thousands of LMBFH Syndrome sufferers stranded beyond.

The Great War

Messages left by warriors
on the eve of the War.

True to The Prophecy, on the 22nd Day of the Tenth Month, the vast army of the Ultimate Enemy began its siege of The Temple, as the tutor’s stressed charges entered the most crucial phase of their Mathematical journey.

The battles were fast and furious and action-packed, on a grand scale that would put most Hollywood flicks to shame. But there was much cheer and rejoicing throughout the weeks at The Temple when news came in that her brave charges had prevailed and put to the sword many of their worst nightmares like Relative Velocity and Kinematics.

Enemy at the Gates

But still the Enemy regrouped, making a last stand between her charges and their paradise of school holidays and a return to their slacking activities.

And so at the break of dawn on a rainy Halloween’s eve, the last of her charges made their final dash towards their Mathematical Salvation. What happened next was anybody’s guess, as the world held its breath, and must continue to hold till their fates are cast in their own Book of Revelation.

Epilogue

As the tutor comes to the end of writing this long, long post on her epic 2007 journey, she sees a shooting star streaks across the night sky, and she wonders what this coming year has in store for her.

Standard Temple ration for teaching staff
(not to be confused with the
culinary delights offered to students)

How many students can she save this year? Will she get more naughty or nice students? From the looks of it, monsters shall dominate The Temple this year. Will she offer more grades of joss sticks? Will The Temple’s secret location remain a secret? Will she be able to find the time to have more proper meals other than the usual packet of Milo and 叉焼包? Will she finally be able to finish WishBoNe’s tag? Will there be less jam on the PIE?

There are questions only time can answer.

But what matters is that the tutor has had a great year beyond any she’d ever had, and that she doesn’t forget to add another year of experience to her teaching resume, and that after such a long holiday, her students are not late for their Mari Kita tomorrow morning.

頑張って!!!

Miss Loi