Tuition Nation

Like taunting spirits, a million specks of ashes danced before the Temple Gates, as hundreds of joss sticks sprouted beyond The Temple all across Novena.

Watching the spectacle unfold from behind tightly-sealed windows, and turning her head periodically just to check if anyone appeared unannounced behind her her students have arrived, a little sigh escaped from Miss Loi’s lips as she wished that her own joss sticks sessions can spring up as quickly within The Temple as those (TOTALLY unrelated BTW – choy!) outside.

Looking back, it’s been a wild 1½ month.

Hey Miss Loi … I’m exceedingly desperate (and I can’t emphasise this enough) for Math tuition, which are unfortunately enough stuck in the gutters … I’d really appreciate it if you are available and could tutor me. Do reply soon. Till then, I shall keep my fingers crossed.

A month of blog awards, a month when Miss Loi sadly didn’t get to blog much, and a month when word finally reached a long-oppressed populace still tormented by their mid-year exam results.

4/100. My son got the above results in his mid term exam and I hope you can tutor him … I am very worried about his Maths … Hope to hear from you soon.

One by one they rose from their lethargic slumber, abandoning their morning cup of kopi-si, computer games, and crying babies as they sought to discover the location of The Temple and its reclusive High Priestess via googling terms like

“miss celine loi joss sticks“, “straits times super tutors“, “exam paper loi“, “joss sticks tuition center“, “ms loi tuition temple“, “miss lot temple“, “ms loi the last minute buddha“, “jade seah sexy” and
“charles and keith shoes membership”

And so they came, a relentless tide of Mathematical refugees from all corners of the land, drawn to what might probably be for many their last beacon of hope, as they journeyed to this One Place in the hope of burning those fabled joss sticks that will grant them ultimate deliverance from the terrifying LMBFH Syndrome.

But all the years as a tutor could not prepare Miss Loi for the weeks that followed, as they pounded on the Temple Gates …

Hi … I’m Sec4 this year so is going to take my O’s in about 3 and a half months. 🙁 But my maths still sucks real bad, like really really bad. I can’t seem to pass at all … Hope to hear from your reply ASAP. Really urgent!

With some even journeying from as far as other continents:

Hello? Yes? Hello? Yes? Hello? Is this Miss Loi? Hello? I’m calling from Beijing. Yes? Hello? …

While others executed covet operations – bypassing the fabled 38 steps via abseiling into The Temple unannounced to surprise a haggard-looking Miss Loi in her worn-out makeup:

Commandos in The Temple’s vicinity
(photo taken before Operation Temple Storm)

And still they came, in a monstrous tsunami that overwhelmed Miss Loi’s little Temple, resulting in two weeks of blogging blackout, five days of Panadols to stem her headaches and sleeplessness, and the cancelation of her facial session for that month.

Miss Loi, can you please, please make a special exception for my PSLE child?

Miss Loi, just put one more chair in your classroom for my child shouldn’t be a problem right???

What do you mean you’re full? Why did you ADVERTISE on The Sunday Times when you’re already full?!

In times of chaos, though, there’ll always be those who brought freshness to the order of the day, like using cheeky email titles to stand out from the crowd:

Or with sweet flattering messages such as this *blush blush*

Only to be followed by … umm … the usual

No need to scroll down lah hor?

And to top it all off, a Rosetta Stone that Miss Loi is still trying to decipher:

Paragraphs dear, paragraphs!
(Click to enlarge)

At times, she really wondered why are there so many refugees? Has the system really failed?

But that’s a question for another day, for with less than three months to go, Miss Loi now needs to concentrate on preparing her new classes of students for the impending war, resume her facial sessions, and take in fresh complaints gossips tales that have surfaced at The Temple’s grapevine:

You know hor … my previous co tutor wanted me to finish the entire TYS in three days! I tried but many questions I dunno how to do. I ended up crying and crying. In the end, she didn’t even go through with me!

After being shocked to the core by a student who appeared suddenly behind her to inform her that class was ready, it’s time for Miss Loi to start her lesson.

Walking towards this next class of six students, she hopes that they will cherish their time at The Temple by taking their work seriously, having the commitment to learn, do their homework, and stop bullying that poor dustbin.

For she wished that they’ve all heard their parents’ voices of delirium when their enrollment into The Temple were confirmed, or the heartbreaking sighs of disappointment for those who called too late.

頑張って!!!

Miss Loi