Chronicles Of A Maths Tutor (2008)

… continued from here.

In the beginning, there was darkness again.

For 86 days and nights the men and women of The Temple wandered the wilderness of The Desert of Uncertainty, frequently succumbing to devilish temptations of pon-ing lectures, tying up classmates, or harbouring evil thoughts of kissing a member of the opposite or same sex for the first time, as they frolicked in their new-found freedom of JC life.

Revelations

When the bell tolled for Judgement Day, all evil thoughts were banished as they made their way to face their destinies, to stand before the White Gates of Salvation, willing themselves to be consumed by the white light of Mathematical Nirvana, even as the world held its breath and their anxious High Priestess was jumping up and down like a siao cha bor away from view at The Temple …

Salvation is complete.

And thus The Great War of 2007 was won, and tears of joy flowed freely, as the birds started chirping and ewoks began dancing, and the Maths Tutor was finally able to stop jumping.

The Great Flood

Amid jubilant scenes with her charges, the Maths Tutor secretly began believing in her own supreme powers of salvation.

The dark shadow of complacency crept in as she slid slowly into a lifestyle of indulgence and sin. As a result, her shopping sprees stretched longer and longer as she neglected The Temple, and routine visits to noble Mathematics websites were abandoned in favour of unhealthy sites like this.

When she was eventually caught scamming innocent cheekopeks with an April’s Fool date, the Heavens, angered by her immoral ways, unleashed a terrifying downpour that destroyed The Temple’s roof and flooded Novena, leaving the Maths Tutor helplessly distraught and barely escaping with her Charles & Keith shoes.

Repent! Repent!

Unmasked

As The Temple laid in ruins with the Maths Tutor devastated, words of encouragement gradually trickled in, some of which predicted that the flood might actually turn out to be a good omen.

As proof of their clairvoyant abilities, she somehow managed to get featured on a supplement of the national newspaper, in an article that took her three rounds of flipping from front to back before it was spotted, as a precursor of things to come.

Cool title, eh?

But little did she know that, after two sneaky little reporters managed to score the greatest coup in journalism history by making off with two of the world’s best-kept secrets i.e. 1) The Temple’s location and 2) a photograph of the Tutor, her bloated-and-hagged-coz-it-was-taken-at-night-after-a-long-day face was unmasked to the world on the FRONT PAGE of the national newspaper, scaring the living LMBFH Syndrome out of every school-going kid in Singapore on that fateful day.

The Tuition Nation

And so, following an unusual spot of calm, they came – a monstrous tsunami of Mathematical refugees hailing from all corners of the land, from the farthest HDB block of Pasir Ris to the castles of medieval Europe, descending on the plains of Novena to seek out the One with the bloated-and-hagged-coz-it-was-taken-at-night-after-a-long-day face who was one of the newly-crowned Five Heavenly Super Tutors (a mahjong-combo-sounding title she coined herself).

For 1.5 months, The Temple creaked and groaned from their incessant pounding on The Gates, as the Maths Tutor and her faithful Nokia sidekick struggled to keep up with the calls, causing her to temporarily suspend all blogging activities, miss countless TVB drama episodes, and leaving Novena with shuttered gates and windows as angry mobs roamed in search of The Temple. (alright the last part was fiction)

Attack Of The Kawaii Teeny Spree Blogs

When a semblance of normalcy returned, rumours were whispered of a blog contest, where untold fame and riches awaited its winners.

Spurred by her materialistic instincts the challenge, a great journey was undertaken (via her mouse) across the vast expanse of her LCD monitor screen to jostle with thousands of others at the sign-up booth.

As fate would have it, she made it to the final stage – to find herself surrounded by nine menacing kawaii teeny spree blogs:

This was a battle (out of syllabus) she had never fought before, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

It was said that as the kawaii teeny spree blogs closed in on her, the Maths Tutor summoned her strength and rallied her troops with an impassioned speech that moved grown men to tears, imploring all to her rescue.

And responded they did. For a grueling month they clicked and clicked and clicked, keeping the massive kawaii teeny shopping clone armies at bay as the Maths Tutor was locked in a catfight titanic struggle with a particularly fearsome blog that kept hurling teapots at her.

By the ninth month, their brave efforts were finally rewarded when the blockade was broken and the teapots stopped flying, and the exhausted Maths Tutor emerged triumphant on stage (with a big unglam handbag) to claim a trophy that looked strangely like a teapot.

Best Blog Shop!

Enemy At The Gates

Fluttering Temple banners.

But alas, there was no time for her to bask in her victory, nor celebrate the much-coveted honour of becoming the main subject of discussion in a Hardwarezone EDMW thread (Yes Miss Loi has read all the naughty stuffs you people have said behind her back. Tsk tsk.), for the skies darkened again as an evil wind served notice of The Enemy‘s march towards The Temple once more.

Unknown to many, The Temple had been rebuilt by this time. And a new Order of The Temple was established when the Maths Tutor was joined first by her sister and then her brother as she sought to expand her campaign to more fronts.

In case you’re wondering, they’re both about the same height in real life.

The Day of Mathematical Armageddon

And so on exactly the day to the year before, on the 22nd Day of the Tenth Month, The Enemy commenced its siege of The Temple, pounding it with their new Weapons of Maths Destruction that included the likes of Plane Geometry, Standard Deviation, and even a Type R Variant that has never been seen in previous campaigns.

With the Tutor’s Campaign Creed firmly imbued in their spirit, the brave men and women of The Temple aimed their sharpened compass tips and made their great charge against The Enemy, their eyes glowing white from their 阴阳眼s as they whipped themselves to a frenzy before clashing with the hordes under a blood red sky.

And on a dark day that is now notoriously known as The Day of Mathematical Armageddon, the scene was set for some of most gruesome events ever witnessed as her charges faced not one but two papers on that day:

Erasers were rubbed until oblivion. Compasses were impaled on papers … Curve rulers were twisted and bent beyond recognition … Calculator buttons were punched so hard and fast till they were dislodged …

Epilogue

As the exhausted tutor comes to the end of this long, long post reflecting on her surreal 2008 journey, it’s as if the Heavens are still holding their breath, for there’s no shooting star streaking across the sky this time (actually, coz it’s daytime – duh).

Nevertheless, her mind is burdened with questions for this coming year.

Will her new charges pass their CA1 and not stress her again during the Mids? Can she successfully train more students to be independent so that she can age gracefully in the long term? Can she finish her 2009 exam papers in time? Will she be able to get Little Miss Loi to blog more? Will she be able to blog more? Will she survive the attack of the clones? Will she get less traffic tickets? When will the Singapore Flyer move again?

But these questions will have to wait for now for she, like the rest of Singapore’s educational fraternity, is straining her ears really hard for the faintest murmurings of the impending Judgement Day 2009, when she’ll finally learn the fates of the owners of those bent rulers and dislodged calculator buttons.

頑張って!!!

Miss Loi